Some title, huh? And exactly what thought does that provoke in you? I'm a white guy. Does it make you think, "Damn...what a racist!" Or does it make you feel uncomfortable reading it? I won't lie...it's not the most comfortable word to write. It's a word with a more unique history than most any other in the English language. And it's not a good one.
Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief; this isn't about the word. It's about racism, and more specifically, my views on it. And I'm not a racist...far from it. In fact, I'm about as staunch a supporter of racial equality as you'll find, especially for a white guy, apparently.
I was raised in Florida...mainly in Central Florida, in a fairly small town called DeLand. I moved there when I was 9, and didn't leave until I was 21. The real core of who I am grew from my experiences in that town. DeLand is kind of a redneck town, and was moreso when I got there. My neighbors across the street were pretty redneck, I'd say. And good kids...but a bit susceptible to the common racial thoughts of the early 1980s in a place like that. Have we come a long way since 1980? I think so. But then, I'm sure there's a lot further to go for some people.
My parents raised us without any racial bigotry. They were, in fact, godparents to a child born to a couple they were friends with who were from Africa. I remember them well. Good people. College professors, as I recall...or at least one of them...and really good people.
I'll never forget the first time I heard the word, "nigger". It's a story I've told often, because I feel that it's profound, in its own way...and a testament to the good job my parents did at raising us to be decent people. I was outside with the guy across the street who was my age. We had so much fun playing football and such. I remember the time I first dipped snuff with him...and how sick I was. To this day, the smell of wintergreen doesn't sit too well with me...and it was my favorite candy before that. Anyway, we were outside, the two of us, and suddenly, he looked down the road.
"Here comes a nigger," he said, like it was a big deal.
"Where?", I asked, looking where he was looking.
"Right there! Heading this way!", he exclaimed.
Surveying the scene, I said, "All I see is that black kid walking up the street...is it with him?"
My friend was shocked. He realized that I didn't know what a nigger was. He made fun of me a bit, and I tried to play it off to be cool, and act as if I just didn't understand what he meant or something.
Well, my curiosity had been piqued a bit. What was this thing he was talking about? So I went home later that afternoon, and asked my mother about it.
"Hey, mom", I asked. "What's a nigger?"
Worst beating I ever got. Back then, you could still punish a kid with a spanking - something we've lost in this nation, as we commit what I call "The Pussification of America" - and I sure got punished. Then my dad came home, and I got it again...worse. I was told you don't ever, ever use that word, under any circumstances.
I feel that it's profound, in a way. And maybe it's not. The fact that I was 12 years old before I'd ever heard the word is something I look back on with a bit of pride. I guess that's why we weren't allowed to see Roots on TV...I knew it was because of language...I just never knew what language it was.
So, do I make fun of black people? Sure. They talk differently. They look differently. They have different cultural values. Would I ever not hire one, or not sit next to one, hug one...would I ever treat a black person different than I do a white one? Shit, I hope not. I sure try not to. I think black people are different...but that's not a bad thing...it's just a thing.
I think they're better at sports than we are. That's just how it goes. And I think it's great. I love sports...and most of my favorite players are players of color. Even my favorite hockey player, Jarome Iginla, happens to be half black.
You know something I learned growing up? Black people have a stronger sense of community than white people do. I think it's something to be envied, emulated and respected. When I was working at a grocery store in DeLand, I'd see white people come in all day. They come in, keep to themselves, get their stuff and go. Black people did the same thing...but if another black person was there, they'd say hello to each other. Seemed like they always knew each other, too. And I know the stereotype of them all knowing one another is ridiculous sounding...but it seemed that way. But I couldn't make fun of it. I thought it was great. It seemed like if you were black, no matter where you went, you weren't alone. I liked that. I still do.
In the gifted program, which I was in almost the entire time I lived in DeLand, there were only a few black people in my year. Edward, Arnold, Carlton, Sherman, Lyrae and Cantrece. Those are the 6...of about 40 of us, give or take. Never once was any of them anything but excellent to me. I was fairly good acquaintances with Cantrece and Edward, who dated for a while in high school, too. Arnold, Carlton and Sherman were all cousins...and seemed to always be together...and were three of the nicest guys you'd ever want to meet. I keep in touch with Sherman and Lyrae on Facebook a bit. Lyrae isn't just some gal from DeLand, either. Go to Google, and just type in Lyrae. The first thing that comes up in the suggested searches is Lyrae Van Clief-Stefanon. Check her out. She's a published author and a poetry professor at Cornell. And yes...it's the same Lyrae I grew up with. Her story's a bit remarkable, and one I didn't really know a lot about at the time. I really regret that now. But I have more respect for her than she'd imagine. She's the most successful person from our class, if you ask me. And others agree.
In fifth grade, my first year in DeLand, I had a teacher named Linda Simmons. She had a great impact on my life, and was one of the chief role models and influences through all my school days. Teachers can be really great influences...and she was the best one, without question. She was black.
Going back further, I was in gifted in Ft. Lauderdale, too. Back then - 1975 or so - you had to be in fifth grade to be in the gifted program. Well, as I was about to start kindergarten in 1975-76, they'd tested me for the program. And I was considered very, very eligible. I don't like to get into specifics, because that's the one thing I really keep private. Things like my I.Q. and reading level when I started school. People treat you differently when they know things like that, sometimes. But my parents wanted to get me into the gifted program. The school board said no. So they got a teacher to help, and to intervene on my behalf. Mrs. Simmons reminded me - and my parents a lot of that woman who tried to get me to be the first in Broward county to get into the program so early. And it worked...they changed the rule for me. A few others were right behind me, and the floodgates opened. That woman's name is one I won't ever forget, either: Kha (pronounced like "Kay") Dennard.
When I played baseball, I played with some black guys. I was about 13 or 14 when I had a big pool party at our house. It was for my birthday, and I was allowed to invite whomever I wanted. I invited 3 of my closest friends...and a bunch of guys from baseball. Most of those guys from baseball were black. I remember being in my room, getting changed to go swimming, and one of my white friends asking me why there were so many - I think he said "jigaboos" - at my party. I told him: "Because they're my friends, too. Why wouldn't I invite them?" He didn't say anything else about it...but he was always a bit of a closet racist. He outgrew it eventually, to some extent at least...as far as I knew, anyway.
That's something I've always noticed, too. White people think it's OK to say whatever you want about another race, as long as you're saying it only to other white people. I do it, too. I jokingly use the word "nigger" sometimes. Not to cast aspersions at black people...but mainly to sort of poke fun at myself, if that makes any sense. I kind of catch myself doing it and usually curtail it when I think I'm doing it to the point it might be taken wrong. But to me, it's just a word...and the less power anyone gives it, the less powerful it is.
I think if you really want to read a great book about race relations in this country, read "Race Matters", by Dr. Cornel West. It's fantastic. It came out in 1994, but it's still very relevant today, in my opinion. He's sure a great guy, and I absolutely LOVE it when he's on Real Time With Bill Maher. Those are episodes I just won't miss.
In short, I am very thankful for the black people that have been in my life. I can't stress enough how huge an impact they've all had on my life, especially those 6 I went to school with. They'd be surprised, I'm sure...a bit taken aback. They'd say something like, "We didn't treat you specially. We just went to school and were ourselves." To which I'd say: exactly! And that's something I could never thank you enough for. I was able to see that all the horseshit that some white people would have you believe is just that: horseshit. People are people are people. And yes, we're different. And yes, I have no problem if they make fun of me. I make fun of big noses, big lips...whatever. And they can make fun of my nerdy-sounding speech patterns, lack of dance ability, naivete about urban culture...whatever. Making fun of things that are different is normal. Discriminating because of them is not. And that's something I never do. I think that we should embrace our differences...and sometimes making fun of them is the way to do that. It's a form of flattery, perhaps. But it's not the end of the world.
So I hope that if someone reads this, they'll think about what's "really" going on. Religion is a lie. I covered that in the last blog. But so is any rationale for racial discrimination. There's just no reason for it. I wish the word "nigger" and all the conotations associated with it wasn't around. But to me, it's a stark reminder of just how ignorant and ridiculous people can be. We've come a long way, as I've said...but now, Arabs are the latest "niggers". And the Japanese spent their time as "niggers", too. Makes me sick to think about all those injustices of the past, present and future. But all I have to do is think back to my own experiences with black people...to Lyrae, Sherman, Cantrece, Edward, Carlton and Arnold...and all the others...and I feel better again. The truth is, I'm still looking down that street...still not sure what a nigger is...I've yet to see one...all I see is a black person walking towards me...and I feel good about it.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Atheism
I figured I'd start with something light, fun and non-controversial. No sense ruffling any feathers, right? After all, who wants to create enemies? Not me. Never. No way.
So, I'll give some background on my authority to speak on this issue, as I go. My authority really stems from the Bill of Rights, in this case...but as the great George Carlin said, we don't have rights...we have privileges. Anyway...I was raised Catholic. I was baptized as an infant in the early 1970's, had my first confession, first communion, confirmation...the whole kit and kaboodle. I didn't become a true, realized atheist until I was somewhere around 25 years old. As I detail my personal history with religion, I'll confront several issues along the way, then get to my conclusions on it. It's easier that way, I think.
As far back as I can recall, I had a feeling...a feeling that I was somehow meant to do something bigger than just the normal 9-5 job, wife, 2.3 kids, dog, cat, hamster, fish and economy car. That's how I felt. It was a...well, a destiny is what it felt like. At 5 years old, I was saying the Catholic Mass at home...my own little version...but to me, that was performance art. I played the songs with a guitar - horribly, I'm sure - and it was cute. I had grape juice for wine, bread for the communion, etc. My little brothers were the altar boys. It was adorable, I'm sure. I remember doing it, still. I remember it vaguely, around 1976, Ft. Lauderdale, living in a duplex on 8th Ave. I think it stemmed largely from the fact that I like performing. I like entertaining. And to that point, the only live performance I'd ever really seen was the Catholic Mass. I didn't realize what it was that made me like it so much at the time...but later, I figured it out. At the time, I thought it was the Holy Spirit...the presence of God. Later, I realized it was nothing more than being awestruck at the fact that when that priest spoke, people listened. They were enraptured. In fact, if I so much as whispered something, it was wrong to do. No doubt about it...this guy had "it". And I wanted to have "it", too. I wanted people to pay attention to me...and not just one person at a time...everyone. It was THIS premise, deeply embedded in my conscience, that really has been the singlemost motivating factor in my life, however I've tried to hold it down, however completely misdirected it may have been. I love to entertain. I love to make large groups of people laugh, think, feel. It's just how I'm wired, I guess.
As time went on, I became very involved with the church...largely because my parents were. They were involved in a couple of Catholic groups called Engaged Encounter and Marriage Encounter. They were both lectors, the people who read the reading at the Mass. My dad was on the parish council. He was in the Knights of Columbus, too. It was a huge part of all our lives. My brothers and I were altar boys, charter members of the Columbian Squires group - sort of a junior K of C - that we started at our church, and I was even a lector as a young teen. I won't say I was the first at our church, because that title goes to a girl named Anne Marie Brain, who was a couple of years older than me. Wonderful, intelligent person, whose mother passed away from cancer just a year or two ago, unfortunately. Her mother, Nilda, was a lector, too. And they were big influences on me, too...so I wanted to mention them. I went through confirmation classes, was confirmed and was a real Catholic then, by my thinking. And all the time, I'd always thought how cool it would be to be a priest. I mean, hell...I wasn't that big a hit with the ladies. Until 9th grade, I'd only "gone with" 4 girls. In 9th grade, I "went with" a bunch...but I think the longest one lasted about 7 weeks. So, during that year, I had an opportunity to go to a seminary high school, way up in Pennsylvania. I made a couple of trips to visit the place, and the whole idea was great. I'd be at a boarding school...I'd get to go to a seminary afterwards...I'd become a priest.
It always nagged at my mind that I might want to think about the whole celebacy thing a bit more, but I went to the school anyway. It was run by an order called The Redemptorists, also known as Liguorians, because their patron saint was St. Alphonsus Liguori. The school itself, St. Mary's in North East, PA, was beautiful. I still have pictures of the chapel. The student body was only about 31 people, grades 9th-12th. There were 3 juniors. I was in the biggest class, the sophomores...there were 10 of us. My time there was very tumultuous, though. I didn't do well in schoolwork, because I didn't like doing things that I didn't like. More on that in another post. But I was hazed, teased and practically tortured, because I was new. I wasn't the only one...but that made me homesick. And eventually, the bad schoolwork chickens came home to roost, and I was put into an ultimatum: either shape up or ship out. I opted to go home, and after half a school year, I was back in DeLand, FL, where I grew up.
I learned a LOT there, though. I learned about a lot of the hypocrisy of the church, though not in its doctrine...not yet. I thought to myself, "Wow...if these guys are going on to be priests, why were they so mean?" It bothered me. There was one guy who was very obviously gay, in everyone's opinion...and maybe he wasn't. But wasn't that against the church's doctrine? I left there a bit confused, and realizing that maybe the priesthood wasn't for me. Puberty won out, and that desire to be a priest left me. Also, that school is where I really, really got into - get ready - heavy metal music. Nearly everyone there loved it. And I loved it more than all of them put together. I still do, of course. But I also wondered...if I'm not a bad person, and people who listen to metal are, how did I get into it with these good people? Then I realized I'd wondered if they were good at all already...and it got more confusing from there.
The most valuable lesson I learned from that place is that you can't let anyone tell you what's right or wrong, once you get to a certain point in your life. I had become aware. I was aware of myself, my feelings, my wants, my needs...I was just aware of everything...at once. And that was tough, too. But I'm glad I learned that, because I started making decisions that were the right - or wrong - ones because I knew to make those decisions...not because I depended on anyone else to make them for me, be they parents, church, school, friends or anyone else.
By the time I'd gotten to be 22, gotten out of the Army Reserve and basically reached the point of, "Here it is...the rest of your life begins...now!", I really got to thinking about all the stuff I'd gone through in my life. And I came to some pretty firm realizations that I still hold true today, and that I feel are irrefutable. I took a World Religion class in college, and that really sealed the deal. I was about 25, as I mentioned earlier. Our teacher never told us if he had a religion at all, much less what it was. He just knew about all of them. It was a great class, and I won't ever forget that guy, Jeff Birch.
Here are some things I hold to be true:
1. I was Catholic because someone chose for me. I was baptized before I could choose. That's the nature of it. Then they fill your head with the doctrine and belief system, and as you're a teenager - right when you are spinning in a million directions, but know you need to right the ship - ask you to make an informed, adult decision on what you want to be for the rest of your life. Saying no would have been absolutely disastrous, I'm sure. But it never crossed my mind. They tell you it's a decision you have to make, and you alone...but you don't ever consider it. You already know. And you know because you don't know anything else.
2. I wanted to be a priest because I wanted to perform. After I got into music, guess what? I wanted to be a metal singer...even more than I'd wanted to be a priest. Two almost dichotomous professions, at the time...but that made me realize that I just wanted to be important, remembered, famous...something bigger than what looked like lay before me if I didn't do this. I also wanted to get laid, though...so the priesthood was out.
3. No religion is "right" or "wrong". If you believe in some higher power that's all-knowing, all-seeing and all-loving, whyever would it be a matter of right or wrong? I made the statement in my World Religion class one time, which was in Jacksonville, FL, where I went to college: "If all of us in the room want to meet downtown at a certain place, at a certain time, and we all live in different areas - Baymeadows, the West Side, the Beaches - does it matter what road we take to that place? I mean, should we all take the long way around to ALL come in on the Arlington Expressway? No. As long as we get to the same place on time, who cares how we got there?"
4. To expound on that point, your religion is your business. No one else's. Your lack thereof? Same thing.
We live in a world with all the technological advances and learning that we have, but still, as of 2005, about 86% of people in the world still believe in some kind of god or higher power that is a product of adherence to a specific religion. Of the remaining percentage, a bunch are agnostic...they believe something exists, but aren't sure what it is.
Well, here's the truth: there is no such thing as a god. There are no magics, mysticisms, spiritualities, ghosts, invisible men, higher powers or anything else even close. There's us, this planet and the other animals and plants on it. Period.
Why does religion exist? Because in the early days of civilization, it answered the great question: why? Why does that ball of fire sit in the sky, and move across it every day? Because it's Apollo, riding his chariot. The list like that goes on and on. Note that that's mythology now, not religion. Silly Greeks and Romans...they believed in gods! No, it's God, singular. Just one. Sort of made it easier.
And when opportunity knocks, the church answers. Why does the church have all the power it has in today's world? Simple. Let's go back to medieval times. King Henry in England. He didn't like that there was another ruler, the Pope, telling him what to do. If you watch The Tudors on Showtime (Great show, by the way!), you can see that Anne Boleyn is a LOT hotter than Catherine was. So the only way to really freely bang her and not have an unhappy church was to make his own church...so he did. But why was the church important? Because the King was God's chosen man to rule England. And not only could you tax, you could tithe...and double-dipping got you rich. And there you have it...power was created because people didn't have the technology and intelligence to realize that there was no God...just a bunch of people in power who wanted to stay there.
For many centuries, it's been considered "bad" to be an atheist. More often than not, I'm confused with a Satanist. I mean, heck...if you don't believe in God, you must believe in the other side, right? Well, I do listen to metal...and some of it's very Satanically-themed...but I don't believe in that, either. No magic, no mysticism...none of it. Satan is a character from the Bible. Belief in his existence would be to admit belief in God, too. So I don't believe in either one. My dad once said a quote that I love: "The Bible is a collection of myths, legends and stories, about Abraham and his descendants." Awesome stuff. And that pretty much sums it up. Sure, that idiotic creation story came first, but whatever. People, be realistic: none of that bullshit happened. It just didn't. There are no miracles...maybe a parlor trick or something got mistaken, but there's no miracles. Sure, there was a guy named Jesus, most likely...and lots of people may have thought he was God...but he was a guy. He didn't rise from the dead or any of that crap. Virgin birth? Wow. You know, I think that a bunch of circumstances - started by the coverup of Mary's indiscretions - lent to the whole thing...IF it really happened at all! Either way, the Bible was written - the New Testament, anyway - hundreds of years AFTER it allegedly happened. It was word of mouth before that...but I'm sure it's really accurate. And then the King James version...wow. Remember when I talked about church and state being one? Well, why not rewrite the Bible! You should give 10% of your money to the church...which was the state...in addition to taxes. You think that wasn't thrown in? You're crazy if you do.
So, all that said...guess what? I'm actually a decent guy. I don't hate my parents. Nor do I blame them for anything. We get along great. They woke up a bit, too. They're no longer really Catholic, that's for sure. But they're more agnostic. My dad's been in AA for over 22 years, and that's part of it: belief in a higher power. OK...whatever. I don't buy it, but hey...whatever gets you through your day, go for it. And that's how I feel about all your religions and beliefs: it's YOUR business. If you ask me, sure...I think it's horseshit, and you've been had. But I wouldn't take away your right to believe it - wait...your privilege to believe in it. That's your business. Once, at a concert I went to, my dad picked me up. It was Whitesnake, and there were actually protestors. We knocked down and broke their huge wooden cross, and it was a blast. They were fundamentalists, and that's bad in ANY form, religion or not. I'll get to that in a minute...but anyway, there was this guy harassing some kid, and my dad stepped in. He was still very involved with the church, and very Catholic...although I think he'd been questioning it some to that point. Not sure, you'd have to ask him. But he told the guy to leave the kid alone, and a discussion ensued. The guy asked my dad if he had a "personal relationship with Christ". And my dad said, "If I do, it's just that: personal...and therefore, none of your fucking business." My dad has a few good ones throughout the years...and there's another one. I've lived by it from that day on. I don't hate Catholics or any other religions, either. I think they're stupid...but I don't hate them. I think pop music is stupid...but I don't wish death upon everyone who likes it. I just think they're silly, that's all.
Back to fundamentalism. The Bible has so many contradictions that it's insane. It's written by so many people, passed down in so many ways...it's nutty. And for someone to hang on every word of it is ludicrous. Also, it was written hundreds of years ago. People: it's obsolete. If you can't see that, you're fooling yourself.
BUT...remember me saying I'm a decent guy? Well, I am. I do unto others as I'd have them do unto me. I believe in helping my fellow man. I believe in a LOT of the basic tenets of the Bible. It's a fairy tale...there is no God. But the general message - not the facts, the literal interpretation of every word or the Word of God bullshit - is absolutely, 100% relevant and wonderful. It says, "Hey...don't be an asshole. If you can help people, do it. If you can do the right thing, do it." Isn't that how a species survives? Don't we have to all do it together to make it? I think so. People are criticizing Obama a lot because his economic views are bordering on socialism. They don't want socialized medicine, either. Why? Because if it's not "us", it's not right. Same with their religion. Hey, folks: shut the fuck up. Stop with all your bullshit. Let's do something new...because what we've done so far has gotten us here...and we're in a bit of a mess in this country...on this planet, really. Your racism, persecution, utter disdain for anything different and short-sightedness will get us NOWHERE. "But Adam, socialized medicine doesn't work...look at the countries that have it." Bullshit. It works fine...better than the crap we have here, anyway. And who says we have to wholly adopt their system? Why not some sort of thing that, I don't know...we design? We invented democracy...but we can't invent anything else? Once we wrote our Constitution, that was it? We're stuck with it? Sure we are...just like the stupid ass Bible.
I, for one, try to do the right thing. I try to be good to people. I try to help people - and animals, since I was a veterinary technician - whenever I can. I'm a good person. The only difference between me - the atheist - and any person believing in God is the REASON we allegedly are good people. And I think ANYONE can see that just believing in a higher power doesn't make you "good". If you think it does, you REALLY need to open a fucking newspaper once in a while. Look around, asshole...the Middle East is an absolute hellhole, and it's ALL because of you and your gods. I am a good person because I'm a human being, and I'm a part of this species...and I want it to survive and thrive. That's just plain biological instinct. I don't need some divine reason, or pretty notion as to why I do it. I just do it.
Muslims aren't bad people. Fundamentalist Muslims can be. But so can fundamentalist Christians...and any other religion, I'm sure. Anybody remember the Crusades? Shinto? Read a fucking book...religion is a bad thing. It's based on antiquated, outdated reasoning, and it's long past time that this world realizes that we're all in this together...and that's the only reason why we should be doing things to improve our planet.
I'll end with a quote that's mine, from years back. I've posted it in a few places, and even explained it before, but I'll do it again: there is no higher power than myself. I never said it to be egotistical, either. It means that I don't do things because I think it'll make some invisible man happy. I do things because I know they're right. I also don't make mistakes and say, "Well, gee...guess that's God's will!" Nor do I look at the mistakes of others and think that. I don't think that "everything happens for a reason", or that things all happen as part of "God's plan". I don't feel a need to have some finite, resolute explanation of why things happen. I'm smart enough to see that so many things are going on in so many places at so many times, that coincidences can - and more often than not, DO - happen. It means that the buck stops here. I don't blame anyone for my shortcomings, and I sure as hell don't credit anyone else with my successes.
I still have a Bible. I find it to be a good work of fiction, considering when it was written. I don't read it, though. I don't like rereading books unless I forget things in them that I want to remember. I've read it enough. I'd rather reread some Eddings or something. But moreover, I don't have time to reread yet...because I'm still reading. I'm still learning, exploring and finding things out about the world and all its wonders. I'm not hung up in the past. I love history...but I don't live in it. I'm in the here and now. I also still have a rosary. A beautiful piece, it's sterling silver, with hematite beads. I bought it at a church once, for $60...and I was already an atheist. I bought it because it's very nice, and great reminder for me that I once was blind, but now I see. Funny...to take a line from that song, and turn it on the intended meaning. But yeah...I see how it all works. There isn't a god, and religion is absolutely ludicrous. But it keeps some people in line. I suppose all the stupid people need religion...because they can't understand anything but, "Look...you can't kill people or you'll burn in Hell. Forever. You want that?"
Anyway...that's my first blog. I'm sure it's not too well-written. I tend to go off on rants and such. But I wanted to start with the least controversial, easiest-to-write thing I could, to sort of get into the groove of this whole blog thing. I like writing. So what the hell? I doubt anyone will ever read it. It's not my Manifesto on Higher Powers...but has some of the thoughts from it. I think I'll write about my school experiences next. Something along those lines.
So, I'll give some background on my authority to speak on this issue, as I go. My authority really stems from the Bill of Rights, in this case...but as the great George Carlin said, we don't have rights...we have privileges. Anyway...I was raised Catholic. I was baptized as an infant in the early 1970's, had my first confession, first communion, confirmation...the whole kit and kaboodle. I didn't become a true, realized atheist until I was somewhere around 25 years old. As I detail my personal history with religion, I'll confront several issues along the way, then get to my conclusions on it. It's easier that way, I think.
As far back as I can recall, I had a feeling...a feeling that I was somehow meant to do something bigger than just the normal 9-5 job, wife, 2.3 kids, dog, cat, hamster, fish and economy car. That's how I felt. It was a...well, a destiny is what it felt like. At 5 years old, I was saying the Catholic Mass at home...my own little version...but to me, that was performance art. I played the songs with a guitar - horribly, I'm sure - and it was cute. I had grape juice for wine, bread for the communion, etc. My little brothers were the altar boys. It was adorable, I'm sure. I remember doing it, still. I remember it vaguely, around 1976, Ft. Lauderdale, living in a duplex on 8th Ave. I think it stemmed largely from the fact that I like performing. I like entertaining. And to that point, the only live performance I'd ever really seen was the Catholic Mass. I didn't realize what it was that made me like it so much at the time...but later, I figured it out. At the time, I thought it was the Holy Spirit...the presence of God. Later, I realized it was nothing more than being awestruck at the fact that when that priest spoke, people listened. They were enraptured. In fact, if I so much as whispered something, it was wrong to do. No doubt about it...this guy had "it". And I wanted to have "it", too. I wanted people to pay attention to me...and not just one person at a time...everyone. It was THIS premise, deeply embedded in my conscience, that really has been the singlemost motivating factor in my life, however I've tried to hold it down, however completely misdirected it may have been. I love to entertain. I love to make large groups of people laugh, think, feel. It's just how I'm wired, I guess.
As time went on, I became very involved with the church...largely because my parents were. They were involved in a couple of Catholic groups called Engaged Encounter and Marriage Encounter. They were both lectors, the people who read the reading at the Mass. My dad was on the parish council. He was in the Knights of Columbus, too. It was a huge part of all our lives. My brothers and I were altar boys, charter members of the Columbian Squires group - sort of a junior K of C - that we started at our church, and I was even a lector as a young teen. I won't say I was the first at our church, because that title goes to a girl named Anne Marie Brain, who was a couple of years older than me. Wonderful, intelligent person, whose mother passed away from cancer just a year or two ago, unfortunately. Her mother, Nilda, was a lector, too. And they were big influences on me, too...so I wanted to mention them. I went through confirmation classes, was confirmed and was a real Catholic then, by my thinking. And all the time, I'd always thought how cool it would be to be a priest. I mean, hell...I wasn't that big a hit with the ladies. Until 9th grade, I'd only "gone with" 4 girls. In 9th grade, I "went with" a bunch...but I think the longest one lasted about 7 weeks. So, during that year, I had an opportunity to go to a seminary high school, way up in Pennsylvania. I made a couple of trips to visit the place, and the whole idea was great. I'd be at a boarding school...I'd get to go to a seminary afterwards...I'd become a priest.
It always nagged at my mind that I might want to think about the whole celebacy thing a bit more, but I went to the school anyway. It was run by an order called The Redemptorists, also known as Liguorians, because their patron saint was St. Alphonsus Liguori. The school itself, St. Mary's in North East, PA, was beautiful. I still have pictures of the chapel. The student body was only about 31 people, grades 9th-12th. There were 3 juniors. I was in the biggest class, the sophomores...there were 10 of us. My time there was very tumultuous, though. I didn't do well in schoolwork, because I didn't like doing things that I didn't like. More on that in another post. But I was hazed, teased and practically tortured, because I was new. I wasn't the only one...but that made me homesick. And eventually, the bad schoolwork chickens came home to roost, and I was put into an ultimatum: either shape up or ship out. I opted to go home, and after half a school year, I was back in DeLand, FL, where I grew up.
I learned a LOT there, though. I learned about a lot of the hypocrisy of the church, though not in its doctrine...not yet. I thought to myself, "Wow...if these guys are going on to be priests, why were they so mean?" It bothered me. There was one guy who was very obviously gay, in everyone's opinion...and maybe he wasn't. But wasn't that against the church's doctrine? I left there a bit confused, and realizing that maybe the priesthood wasn't for me. Puberty won out, and that desire to be a priest left me. Also, that school is where I really, really got into - get ready - heavy metal music. Nearly everyone there loved it. And I loved it more than all of them put together. I still do, of course. But I also wondered...if I'm not a bad person, and people who listen to metal are, how did I get into it with these good people? Then I realized I'd wondered if they were good at all already...and it got more confusing from there.
The most valuable lesson I learned from that place is that you can't let anyone tell you what's right or wrong, once you get to a certain point in your life. I had become aware. I was aware of myself, my feelings, my wants, my needs...I was just aware of everything...at once. And that was tough, too. But I'm glad I learned that, because I started making decisions that were the right - or wrong - ones because I knew to make those decisions...not because I depended on anyone else to make them for me, be they parents, church, school, friends or anyone else.
By the time I'd gotten to be 22, gotten out of the Army Reserve and basically reached the point of, "Here it is...the rest of your life begins...now!", I really got to thinking about all the stuff I'd gone through in my life. And I came to some pretty firm realizations that I still hold true today, and that I feel are irrefutable. I took a World Religion class in college, and that really sealed the deal. I was about 25, as I mentioned earlier. Our teacher never told us if he had a religion at all, much less what it was. He just knew about all of them. It was a great class, and I won't ever forget that guy, Jeff Birch.
Here are some things I hold to be true:
1. I was Catholic because someone chose for me. I was baptized before I could choose. That's the nature of it. Then they fill your head with the doctrine and belief system, and as you're a teenager - right when you are spinning in a million directions, but know you need to right the ship - ask you to make an informed, adult decision on what you want to be for the rest of your life. Saying no would have been absolutely disastrous, I'm sure. But it never crossed my mind. They tell you it's a decision you have to make, and you alone...but you don't ever consider it. You already know. And you know because you don't know anything else.
2. I wanted to be a priest because I wanted to perform. After I got into music, guess what? I wanted to be a metal singer...even more than I'd wanted to be a priest. Two almost dichotomous professions, at the time...but that made me realize that I just wanted to be important, remembered, famous...something bigger than what looked like lay before me if I didn't do this. I also wanted to get laid, though...so the priesthood was out.
3. No religion is "right" or "wrong". If you believe in some higher power that's all-knowing, all-seeing and all-loving, whyever would it be a matter of right or wrong? I made the statement in my World Religion class one time, which was in Jacksonville, FL, where I went to college: "If all of us in the room want to meet downtown at a certain place, at a certain time, and we all live in different areas - Baymeadows, the West Side, the Beaches - does it matter what road we take to that place? I mean, should we all take the long way around to ALL come in on the Arlington Expressway? No. As long as we get to the same place on time, who cares how we got there?"
4. To expound on that point, your religion is your business. No one else's. Your lack thereof? Same thing.
We live in a world with all the technological advances and learning that we have, but still, as of 2005, about 86% of people in the world still believe in some kind of god or higher power that is a product of adherence to a specific religion. Of the remaining percentage, a bunch are agnostic...they believe something exists, but aren't sure what it is.
Well, here's the truth: there is no such thing as a god. There are no magics, mysticisms, spiritualities, ghosts, invisible men, higher powers or anything else even close. There's us, this planet and the other animals and plants on it. Period.
Why does religion exist? Because in the early days of civilization, it answered the great question: why? Why does that ball of fire sit in the sky, and move across it every day? Because it's Apollo, riding his chariot. The list like that goes on and on. Note that that's mythology now, not religion. Silly Greeks and Romans...they believed in gods! No, it's God, singular. Just one. Sort of made it easier.
And when opportunity knocks, the church answers. Why does the church have all the power it has in today's world? Simple. Let's go back to medieval times. King Henry in England. He didn't like that there was another ruler, the Pope, telling him what to do. If you watch The Tudors on Showtime (Great show, by the way!), you can see that Anne Boleyn is a LOT hotter than Catherine was. So the only way to really freely bang her and not have an unhappy church was to make his own church...so he did. But why was the church important? Because the King was God's chosen man to rule England. And not only could you tax, you could tithe...and double-dipping got you rich. And there you have it...power was created because people didn't have the technology and intelligence to realize that there was no God...just a bunch of people in power who wanted to stay there.
For many centuries, it's been considered "bad" to be an atheist. More often than not, I'm confused with a Satanist. I mean, heck...if you don't believe in God, you must believe in the other side, right? Well, I do listen to metal...and some of it's very Satanically-themed...but I don't believe in that, either. No magic, no mysticism...none of it. Satan is a character from the Bible. Belief in his existence would be to admit belief in God, too. So I don't believe in either one. My dad once said a quote that I love: "The Bible is a collection of myths, legends and stories, about Abraham and his descendants." Awesome stuff. And that pretty much sums it up. Sure, that idiotic creation story came first, but whatever. People, be realistic: none of that bullshit happened. It just didn't. There are no miracles...maybe a parlor trick or something got mistaken, but there's no miracles. Sure, there was a guy named Jesus, most likely...and lots of people may have thought he was God...but he was a guy. He didn't rise from the dead or any of that crap. Virgin birth? Wow. You know, I think that a bunch of circumstances - started by the coverup of Mary's indiscretions - lent to the whole thing...IF it really happened at all! Either way, the Bible was written - the New Testament, anyway - hundreds of years AFTER it allegedly happened. It was word of mouth before that...but I'm sure it's really accurate. And then the King James version...wow. Remember when I talked about church and state being one? Well, why not rewrite the Bible! You should give 10% of your money to the church...which was the state...in addition to taxes. You think that wasn't thrown in? You're crazy if you do.
So, all that said...guess what? I'm actually a decent guy. I don't hate my parents. Nor do I blame them for anything. We get along great. They woke up a bit, too. They're no longer really Catholic, that's for sure. But they're more agnostic. My dad's been in AA for over 22 years, and that's part of it: belief in a higher power. OK...whatever. I don't buy it, but hey...whatever gets you through your day, go for it. And that's how I feel about all your religions and beliefs: it's YOUR business. If you ask me, sure...I think it's horseshit, and you've been had. But I wouldn't take away your right to believe it - wait...your privilege to believe in it. That's your business. Once, at a concert I went to, my dad picked me up. It was Whitesnake, and there were actually protestors. We knocked down and broke their huge wooden cross, and it was a blast. They were fundamentalists, and that's bad in ANY form, religion or not. I'll get to that in a minute...but anyway, there was this guy harassing some kid, and my dad stepped in. He was still very involved with the church, and very Catholic...although I think he'd been questioning it some to that point. Not sure, you'd have to ask him. But he told the guy to leave the kid alone, and a discussion ensued. The guy asked my dad if he had a "personal relationship with Christ". And my dad said, "If I do, it's just that: personal...and therefore, none of your fucking business." My dad has a few good ones throughout the years...and there's another one. I've lived by it from that day on. I don't hate Catholics or any other religions, either. I think they're stupid...but I don't hate them. I think pop music is stupid...but I don't wish death upon everyone who likes it. I just think they're silly, that's all.
Back to fundamentalism. The Bible has so many contradictions that it's insane. It's written by so many people, passed down in so many ways...it's nutty. And for someone to hang on every word of it is ludicrous. Also, it was written hundreds of years ago. People: it's obsolete. If you can't see that, you're fooling yourself.
BUT...remember me saying I'm a decent guy? Well, I am. I do unto others as I'd have them do unto me. I believe in helping my fellow man. I believe in a LOT of the basic tenets of the Bible. It's a fairy tale...there is no God. But the general message - not the facts, the literal interpretation of every word or the Word of God bullshit - is absolutely, 100% relevant and wonderful. It says, "Hey...don't be an asshole. If you can help people, do it. If you can do the right thing, do it." Isn't that how a species survives? Don't we have to all do it together to make it? I think so. People are criticizing Obama a lot because his economic views are bordering on socialism. They don't want socialized medicine, either. Why? Because if it's not "us", it's not right. Same with their religion. Hey, folks: shut the fuck up. Stop with all your bullshit. Let's do something new...because what we've done so far has gotten us here...and we're in a bit of a mess in this country...on this planet, really. Your racism, persecution, utter disdain for anything different and short-sightedness will get us NOWHERE. "But Adam, socialized medicine doesn't work...look at the countries that have it." Bullshit. It works fine...better than the crap we have here, anyway. And who says we have to wholly adopt their system? Why not some sort of thing that, I don't know...we design? We invented democracy...but we can't invent anything else? Once we wrote our Constitution, that was it? We're stuck with it? Sure we are...just like the stupid ass Bible.
I, for one, try to do the right thing. I try to be good to people. I try to help people - and animals, since I was a veterinary technician - whenever I can. I'm a good person. The only difference between me - the atheist - and any person believing in God is the REASON we allegedly are good people. And I think ANYONE can see that just believing in a higher power doesn't make you "good". If you think it does, you REALLY need to open a fucking newspaper once in a while. Look around, asshole...the Middle East is an absolute hellhole, and it's ALL because of you and your gods. I am a good person because I'm a human being, and I'm a part of this species...and I want it to survive and thrive. That's just plain biological instinct. I don't need some divine reason, or pretty notion as to why I do it. I just do it.
Muslims aren't bad people. Fundamentalist Muslims can be. But so can fundamentalist Christians...and any other religion, I'm sure. Anybody remember the Crusades? Shinto? Read a fucking book...religion is a bad thing. It's based on antiquated, outdated reasoning, and it's long past time that this world realizes that we're all in this together...and that's the only reason why we should be doing things to improve our planet.
I'll end with a quote that's mine, from years back. I've posted it in a few places, and even explained it before, but I'll do it again: there is no higher power than myself. I never said it to be egotistical, either. It means that I don't do things because I think it'll make some invisible man happy. I do things because I know they're right. I also don't make mistakes and say, "Well, gee...guess that's God's will!" Nor do I look at the mistakes of others and think that. I don't think that "everything happens for a reason", or that things all happen as part of "God's plan". I don't feel a need to have some finite, resolute explanation of why things happen. I'm smart enough to see that so many things are going on in so many places at so many times, that coincidences can - and more often than not, DO - happen. It means that the buck stops here. I don't blame anyone for my shortcomings, and I sure as hell don't credit anyone else with my successes.
I still have a Bible. I find it to be a good work of fiction, considering when it was written. I don't read it, though. I don't like rereading books unless I forget things in them that I want to remember. I've read it enough. I'd rather reread some Eddings or something. But moreover, I don't have time to reread yet...because I'm still reading. I'm still learning, exploring and finding things out about the world and all its wonders. I'm not hung up in the past. I love history...but I don't live in it. I'm in the here and now. I also still have a rosary. A beautiful piece, it's sterling silver, with hematite beads. I bought it at a church once, for $60...and I was already an atheist. I bought it because it's very nice, and great reminder for me that I once was blind, but now I see. Funny...to take a line from that song, and turn it on the intended meaning. But yeah...I see how it all works. There isn't a god, and religion is absolutely ludicrous. But it keeps some people in line. I suppose all the stupid people need religion...because they can't understand anything but, "Look...you can't kill people or you'll burn in Hell. Forever. You want that?"
Anyway...that's my first blog. I'm sure it's not too well-written. I tend to go off on rants and such. But I wanted to start with the least controversial, easiest-to-write thing I could, to sort of get into the groove of this whole blog thing. I like writing. So what the hell? I doubt anyone will ever read it. It's not my Manifesto on Higher Powers...but has some of the thoughts from it. I think I'll write about my school experiences next. Something along those lines.
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